I have thought about this for a while; for weeks my mind has pondered nothing else.

I tried to say it numerous times but each time, my heart, my mouth, my courage, my words failed me.  It was madness that something so simple could be so hard.  All I had to do was to say to her that I didn't love her, that she deserved someone better than myself.

This insanity plagued me well into the night, into my restless dreams of her flawless face.  Finally I could bear it no more, I decided the only way to tell her was the way of a coward.  I am afraid of hurting her and so I dance with cowardice.  Seems my only love is cowardice itself; I find myself fleeing away from  love whenever I feel trapped.

Cowardice and my own shame led me to this, to write a note to her, explaining that I have been feeding her a lie; a delicious lie it was, I only wish I could believe it as well.  But if I believed it, it wouldn't be a lie, would it?

The morning of yet another night full of restless dreams of her smile that made me feel guilty for what I was about to do, I got up and prepared myself; I wrote the note, tucked it in one of the front pockets of my jeans and drove to school.

In the lobby, I waited for her.  When she didn't come, I was worried; it wasn't like her to be late.  I glanced at the clock; it was almost time to go.  I felt anxious; did she know what I had planned?  Did she not show because she didn't want me to do what I was about to do?

Panic arose in my chest and everything seemed to collide and yet never touch.  Was this guilt or insanity I felt?

Spotting the silky hair that I had run my fingers through countless times, my pulse slowed down but it wasn't quite regular.  I smiled weakly and melted as she smiled back with a smile that outshone mine.

I handed her the note and turned away; just as I was about to make my get-away, I felt her hand grab mine and I was pulled to face her.  She leaned up and kissed me on my cheek then went back to her group of friends and chattered on.  I walked away, my mind blank.

On the inside, I died.